A brief case-study of the methods and approaches that catalyse long-term change in the lives of people receiving coaching
The power of coaching is this: you are expected to give people the path to find answers, not the answers
Tom Mahalo
Real knowledge and learning need the support of direct experience for it to last longer. To make concrete, lasting results in people’s lives, a person needs to learn from their own experiences. The experience itself is already a change in motion. An experience gives us a different awareness of a particular issue and this creates lasting, powerful changes in our lives.
To raise one’s awareness, it is crucial to have a solid structure to build on, and coaches have different models at their disposal to make this happen. One of the most common is the T-GROW model, which moves step by step towards identifying the key elements that will bring individuals closer to their reality and their goals (Topic, Goals, Reality, Options, Way forward). I found it useful to enhance this structure in the following five steps that help the client to focus on:
1. Identifying what you, the client, wants (topic and goals)
2. Helping you to see what you can’t see (reality)
3. Creating the space for you to have insights (options)
4. Diving deeper (remove obstacles)
5. Take-away and hold you accountable (way forward).
The opening moment is the warm-up to get you comfortable and establish a rapport. Whether you are a new or an existing client, we can better use this initial time for a quick check-in, ask how you are feeling and what’s been happening in your life lately. How we listen is important because it’s not so much about knowing the events of your life, but the state (of mind and emotions) you are entering the coaching session in.
In my experience, the real problem is not what you say in the beginning. Although, this beginning is vital to agree on the topic to set the goal, clarify expectations, and identify the purpose and desired outcomes of our conversation. This will allow us to have control over the session and steer it in the right direction (naturally that which is decided by you). Some key questions here might be:
- What would you like to discuss today?
- What is hot on your table?
- How can I help you? or How can I serve you today?
- What can make this a great conversation?
- How would you like to end this session?
Steps 2, 3 and 4 of the above model will help me shift your awareness and support you in making decisions that will create lasting changes.
At this point, I would normally invite you to explore different opportunities, perspectives or ideas to achieve your goals. As a coach, my questioning skills become really decisive here. Powerful questions guide you to discover who you are and what you want. Challenging questions bring clarity and invite you to dig deeper through introspection and create shifts and transformations. For example:
- What does it mean, for you …?
- How will you know when you have fully achieved your goal?
- What do you need to do?
- How would that option fit in with your values?
- What do you need to know to get to these outcomes?
Sometimes we find obstacles and we must be aware that strong patterns don’t leave easily because there’s still a payoff – something you may be attached to – such as some deeply-entrenched survival strategies. Normally there are patterns of hiding, playing small and so forth, which govern our lives. When clients reach out to me, they seek to uncover patterns that they might not see and often find that they may be hurting in some way. Ultimately, you must figure it out. For me, it’s important to make sure that you use the “I” and not the impersonal “you” and take ownership of the feelings and acknowledge your emotions. Here we can use challenging questions such as:
- What is holding you back?
- What does it remind you of?
- How does that serve you?
- What does it mean for you?
- What will happen if you don’t break this pattern now?
- What will happen if you do it?
- How does this change serve you?
- How will you be different?
The last point is often underestimated. The closing of the conversation is what sets a person to win. It’s the time where I usually invite my clients to summarise the key takeaways so they can process what has been covered/discovered and reflect upon it. This also helps to verify how much you have taken from the session, how your awareness is increased and if a shift has been created. Change starts during the session but it really happens when the learning and insights are applied into the real world.
To help you to retain the maximum benefits of the session, we should not forget to identify your next steps. If you don’t commit to taking action, there will be no progress until the next session and you will be stuck in a rut. It’s not enough to desire and decide to do something, you have to commit to doing it with conviction, motivation and enthusiasm. Verifying the level of these three drives will help you to become more aware of what is really important and significant in your life. In this last step, I will ask you to be accountable for whatever you are committed to do or change or pursue.
- What are some of the next steps you should take?
- When will you start?
- How will you know your measure of success?
- How will you hold yourself accountable for the goal and actions you set today?
- How can I partner with you to enhance your accountability?
I also, normally, give my clients homework post-session and we both find it very useful. When you are alone things will resonate with you even more, and if you can take a few minutes to write down with pen and paper the answer to the following question, you will consolidate the benefits achieved during the session:
- What are the changes?
- How different you feel?
- What are you more aware of?
- What do you commit to doing?
- When will you start?
- and so on…
All this introspection will definitely help to create consistent results and lasting changes in your lives.
I also found this a honing process of my coaching skills for setting powerful sessions.
With one of my clients, CC, I went through all these phases as above described:
Coach: Hi CC how would you like me to help you today?
CC: I would like to improve my communication skills and acquire some tools to better organize the work with my team.
Coach: These are two different goals. Which one comes first?
CC: Hmm! Good question. My senses say communication, but I believe it will take some time to improve those skills, whereas my daily work with the team is getting too chaotic and I urge to organize better the daily routine of working with my team. Let’s start with that.
Coach: Well, what exactly is making work with the team chaotic?
CC: Every time, for a reason or another, everybody is choosing the piece of work that they prefer or that is more suitable for them and the leftover falls on my table. I need to set up some tool or structure to organize the work.
Coach: Who in your office knows about this situation?
CC: It’s under the eyes of everybody.
Coach: Who has an interest in keeping things going the same way?
CC: I have no idea, but I think everyone because no one is complaining.
Coach: Who might think the same about you?
CC: Hmm! Yeah, you’re right. If I want things to change, I must change something. I will call a special meeting and discuss with everyone this issue.
Coach: Good idea! When will you do it?
CC: I will send an email today.
Coach: What will you write? [here, you see, the communication skills come into the play]
CC: I will tell them what is going on and I will propose to reorganize the work better.
Coach: What does it mean for you to reorganize the work?
CC: Well, divide the sectors and assign each member of the team a segment with clear tasks and with the responsibility to bring the work to an end.
Coach: How do you expect they will react?
CC: Oh! I’m sure they will complain. But there is no way out! Things have to change now. We always get to the edge of delivery deadlines, and the stress and anxiety are too much.
[Note: at this point, she started talking out the real problem]
Coach: What are the options?
CC: I can stop doing the work of others, but is not really an option since we are already in the middle of a project and… I don’t know! I’m desperate!
Coach: What would you really want?
CC: I want peace at work, collaboration and understanding.
Coach: Who should understand you and what should they understand?
CC: My teammates should see how much pressure is falling on me.
[For me, the lack of communication is evident, but I wanted the client to come to this conclusion on her own]
Coach: What could be the best way for them to understand your situation in the office? [long pause of silence]
CC: I got the point. I should talk to them and admit that I’m not a heroine, and I don’t want to multitask the work, on the contrary, I’m totally overwhelmed.
Coach: How does this idea to talk to them make you feel?
CC: Relieved! I suddenly realised that I don’t need to be different or more than what I am to be recognized or accepted by others.
Coach: When will you do that?
CC: Tomorrow.
Coach: What is your best piece of learning from this session? What do you need to acknowledge to yourself?
CC: That communication is the most important issue to work on now. Also, I need to face my insecurity to speak and share my feelings right away before they become stressful and an issue for me and others.
Coach: What do you think if we set up a few sessions for this topic?
CC: It would be great!
It took a number of sessions for CC to develop leadership and communication skills and to set a new routine to work more efficiently with her team in a smooth collaboration. The results were notable and, at the end of our work together, she was completely happy and satisfied. Her teammates noticed and appreciated her new approach and their work dynamic dramatically improved.
The most important change happened in her mindset. Through introspection and self-awareness, in fact, she gradually realised how strong her unconscious need for recognition was. In her search to find and recognise her own value and capabilities, she made a habit of challenging herself in order to test and show how good and capable she was to her own judgment and that of the team. But, naturally, her teammates didn’t care for it since no one was testing her or asking her to prove herself. This was solely her own need, and when she realized it, she became aware of all subtle mechanisms that were practically sabotaging her peace and balance at work. To remove them, at that point, became her final goal.
It has been a beautiful and fulfilling experience for both of us. We both were able to gleaned many lessons from this piece of living reality.